The Door is Closed: Getting the Closure He Didn’t Give

By: Dominique Johnson

@dominiquesjohnson

Over the course of my life, I’ve dealt with a handful of crappy situationships. Majority of them ended abruptly and forced me to move on, although I wasn’t particularly ready to. The one that stung the most ended my junior year of college.

For the sake of the person’s identity, I’m going to refer to him as Superman (you’ll understand the reference in a minute).

I fell in love with Superman when I was fifteen-years-old. I might’ve been too young to understand what love was, but all I knew was that for the first time in my life, I had butterflies in my stomach anytime I was around him, he was the first thing I thought when I woke up, and the last thing to cross my mind before I went to sleep. My day wasn’t complete until I saw that smug smile he always had on his face. He knew I’d do anything for him.

In spite of how crazy I was for him, he didn’t feel the same way (if he did, I still don’t know to this day). I remember buying him a pair of Superman boxers for Christmas because I knew he was his favorite superhero but him not giving me anything or even sending me a “Merry Christmas” instant message (this was back when AIM was popping). Valentine’s Day rolled around and I gave him another gift hoping that he would reciprocate the same feelings. Instead, I found out he was dating another girl behind my back. When I confronted him about it, he had nothing to say nor acted like he cared that my entire world was shattered.

I meant nothing to him. I was just a number on his body count list.

Although I was hurt by Superman basically treating me like a piece of shit, I still let him come back in my life and leave when he wanted to without a word. This lasted for seven years. Finally, my junior year of college I became fed up. I was tired of not knowing where we stood and letting him toss me to the side and pick me up when he was lonely.

What are we doing?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” He replied.

“What are we? Are we friends? Are we something more?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

His response was enough for me to know it was time to walk away. I knew that I was never going to get the answers nor the closure I wanted. He didn’t have the capacity to do so. The only way I could end the Superman chapter of my life was to forgive him and give myself closure.

The first step was acceptance. This was the hardest. It’s not easy coming to terms and recognizing that the person you’re in love with will never be who you want them to be. I had to accept that Superman wasn’t for me and never was going to be. He was only supposed to be in my life for a season.  I cut him out of my life entirely by blocking him on social media, deleting his number, as well as all of our text messages (if you know me, you know deleting the entire thread was heart crushing). I didn’t want to obsess over whether or not Superman missed me or what he was doing when I already knew deep down he wasn’t worried about me.

Acceptance is key.

The second step was letting go. It was far from easy. I didn’t want to give up what I “had” with Superman, even if it was complicated. I was okay with being used because it was better to have him half the time than to not have him at all. When I realized that holding on to someone who had not only moved on but also never truly was in it for the long haul like I was, I knew it was time to let go. I wouldn’t be able to heal and move on from the hurt if I continued to carry him and what he did around.

Letting go helps you move on.

It took me about two years after our last conversation to truly let him go. I never got any answers or explanation that could give me “closure.” But the thing is, I didn’t need it. I didn’t need him to give me closure because I had accepted that it wasn’t going to come in the form that I wanted it to. I asked from a formal conversation but instead, I got to heal and move on, on my own terms.

The day I knew I had truly healed was when Superman walked into my job with his girlfriend, who is now his wife. Instead of freaking out and asking one of my co-workers to take care of them for me, I stood my ground and helped the two of them like a woman who has moved on and IS living her best life is supposed to. Besides, money was on the line and I was not about to let anybody get in the way of my coins.

Superman and I are cordial now. I have no animosity or ill feelings towards him. In fact, I want nothing but the best for him and the life he is building with his wife and their child. I wouldn’t be able to follow him on social media or even talk about his chapter in my book of life had I not closed the door and got closure on my own.

Stop worrying about the closure you’ve been desperately wanting but never seem to get. It doesn’t always come in the form you want it to. Accept, let go, and take your time to recover. Find closure within yourself.

You don’t need to get it from him, sis.

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